Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol