I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?