Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:![]()
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
☺️
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[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
I drew y’all a little something.
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.