Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.