Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
me: no the whole bottle
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.