*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
![]()
You Might Also Like
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
![]()
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
![]()
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
![]()
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Had a spot of bother earlier.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”![]()
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*