*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.