Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
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Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area