i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
the icebreaker
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan