some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
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Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups