Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’

Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Stages of going to bed:

1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war

Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right

Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.