Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen![]()
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My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.