Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]