The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]