@cheeky__gal

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

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@ObscureGent

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

@shaun__gunner

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

@jjhartinger

*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.

@jlock17

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

@GrahamOfTheDead

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

@Tmoney68

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

@notacroc

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

@Darlainky

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.