Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
*skinny dips into black hole
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
im 7 sauces long
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.