Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
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I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
first you must answer his riddles
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!