how to screw with your cat’s head 101
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What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
our love story in four pictures
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome