me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
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The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.