Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.