If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
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*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The three genders
It’s the weekend y’all
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots