Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
You Might Also Like
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast