Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.