[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.