My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
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You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism