The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
When you’re Kinky but poor
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
awkward
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.