Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
White parent Vs Arab parents