I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁