So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
You Might Also Like
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
umm…
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.