i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!