i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
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are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.