I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
looks legit
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
i’m sure it’s fine
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.