I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
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I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
crazy
PARKOUR
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department