I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
You Might Also Like
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
In Canada they just call them geese