Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
You Might Also Like
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing