Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
You Might Also Like
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
This kid will have a bright future.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.