Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.