[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
You Might Also Like
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Follow me for more recipes
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying