I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
We’ve all been there…
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary