A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
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friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Very problematic