My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Lube but for my dry humor.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?