We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Jupiter
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.