Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
More like Kate Missington.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.