Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
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Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.