WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS