My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.