Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
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Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband