Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.