What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
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LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
i think we should see other cousins
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
WTF IS THAT!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!