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Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
oh my god
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money