Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.