me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
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As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.