me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
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Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
oh good, now I can stop drinking
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.