I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.