Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
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*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.