IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
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So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Worth remembering.