Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried