[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas