Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Cha-ching is my safe word
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.